and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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