He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
