So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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