Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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