can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
