so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
