If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
