Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Drake has all the answers
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
