So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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