my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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