im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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