You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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