DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
