hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
