She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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