I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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