I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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