the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
