I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
