hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
