This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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