my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
