I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
