Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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