i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
