this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
