Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
