In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
