and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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