Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My feet surprised me
there is glitter all over my balls
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