I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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