i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
