i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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