Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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