If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
