Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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