I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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