If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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