I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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