Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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