If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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