The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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