Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
