They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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