We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
