His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
