Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
