you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
