My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
