I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
