I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
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Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
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Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you