Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
