Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
