I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
vagina is talking i cant
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
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So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
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Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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