apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.