Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
