If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
