roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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