Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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