how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
