I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
